My husband and I are
frequently approached after Mass by people who
feel compelled to tell us how good our children
were in church that day. How do we do it, they
want to know – with four young boys no less?
"Some days are better than others," I respond with
a grin. Which is true. Some Sunday mornings are
relatively uneventful, while others can be pretty
darn trying. But, for the most part, our boys
(ages ten, six, three and one-and-a-half) have
learned appropriate church behavior without the
use of snacks, sippy cups, crayons, books, routine
trips to the potty and, usually, without much
fuss.
Sound impossible? It’s not, really. As with any
other parenting skill, it takes love, time,
consistency and lots of patience. (A few prayers
never hurt, either!) The following tips may help
make your experience of taking little ones to
church change from holy terror to just plain holy.
Before We Enter God’s
House, We Prepare At Ours
Catholics are notorious for arriving at church
just in time or, worse yet, slightly late. Few of
us make the effort these days to prepare for what
we are about to celebrate at Mass. When you have
children, this preparation time is even more
critical, yet all the more elusive. Our family’s
church experience, therefore, begins long before
we ever set foot inside the door.
We use time at home, perhaps over dinner or
breakfast, to discuss proper church behavior. We
review church etiquette: when to sit, stand or
kneel. How to give the sign of peace. Why it is
important to sing and pray with the church
community. What the creed means. We discuss our
family rules of conduct and why they may differ
from those around us.
A fundamental rule in our family is absolutely no
food or toys in church. This is the way it has
always been, so our children expect nothing
different. While we can control what we ourselves
bring into the building, however, we have no say
in what other families do. This is something most
people seem not to think about when packing their
picnic baskets-activity bags for church. While
their intention is good (to keep their children
quiet so they don’t bother others), the fact is
that bringing food, toys and other items from home
can be highly distracting to neighboring people,
especially the young ones. In moments like these,
we do our best to ignore the zipping and
unzipping, the crinkling of candy wrappers and the
dropping of toys and try to regain our children’s
focus (and ours) on Mass instead.
If the idea of going to church without a survival
kit is a little scary, think about it. The average
Mass lasts 45 minutes. That is less than the
running time of a typical children’s video.
Forty-five minutes is not too long for a child to
go without food or drink. (An infant, on the other
hand, has legitimate needs and should be nursed,
bottle-fed or given a pacifier as the need
arises.)
Three-quarters-of-an-hour can also be survived
without books or toys to occupy a child’s mind.
Church itself should occupy his mind! I’ve been
amazed and disappointed to hear toy cars whirring
or hand-held electronic games beeping during the
liturgy. Once I even saw a small boy walk into
Mass with a full-sized basketball under his arm.
What are we telling our children with this kind of
permissive behavior? Certainly not that God
deserves our undivided attention for less than one
hour a week.
Think of the time and energy you can save by not
having to pack those snacks and finding that
favorite teddy bear before rushing out the door to
make Mass. You can use this valuable time and
energy on preparation instead.
As soon as our oldest son became a proficient
reader, we had him begin reading the day’s
scriptures during the drive to church. Currently,
our 10- and 6-year-olds share this responsibility.
Time permitting, we discuss what we’ve read and
ask the children questions to test their
understanding. The two younger ones have learned
not to interrupt this time, but to listen quietly
from their car seats. Since our 3-year-old chimes
in from time to time, we know he’s grasping some
of it. This scripture review is particularly
beneficial for my husband and me, so we are not
hearing the readings for the first time in Mass
when the possibility for distraction exists.
Before our family enters church, our 3-year-old,
who is potty training, can have one more
opportunity to use the facilities. The older ones
have been encouraged to go at home. It is
extremely rare for any of our children to leave
Mass to use the bathroom. Unless it is a real
emergency, we ask them to wait until Mass is over.
Again, 45 minutes is not that long, and permitting
children to go during this time can develop into
an undesirable habit.
Let The Worship Begin
Another important rule our family has is one we
borrowed from some friends who raised five
wonderful children: until a child is 3 years old,
he is a lap-sitter. His feet simply do not touch
the ground. This rule prevents the child from
climbing up and down or falling through the
kneeler and banging his head against the pew, a
maneuver usually accompanied by a blood-curdling
scream. The child is held lovingly, but firmly,
with no exceptions. If he puts up a struggle, he
is promptly removed. We know from other situations
that if we give in once, we’re in for a long
battle.
Since this rule, like the others, is discussed at
home ahead of time, our little ones come to accept
it rather quickly. The toddler understands that
with the advent of his third birthday, he will be
entitled to his own seat in church. He has begun
to look forward to it. But this privilege comes
with some conditions. The child must sit, stand
and kneel along with the congregation. If he
begins to climb around or distract others, he
becomes a lap-sitter for the remainder of Mass
until the next time. This lesson is learned very
quickly.
Where we sit at Mass often depends on the stage of
our youngest child. Sometimes we find that sitting
down in front gives our children a lot to see with
fewer distractions. At other times, especially
when we have a rather active one, the back of
church makes for easier exits when necessary.
Often, we find sitting near the choir or the organ
is entertaining for little ears.
During the Mass, we try to hug or caress our
children quietly. (This can be tricky at times,
since there are two of us and four of them!) We
address any undesirable behavior with a glance or
a hand gesture, which our children understand
completely because it was discussed during
preparation time.
The older ones are encouraged to follow along in
the missalette and find the upcoming song in the
hymnal. We allow the younger ones to hold these
same books unless they are being turned into
chewing toys or hurling missiles. At that point,
they are taken away.
My husband and I set the stage for how we feel
worship should be. We sing joyfully, swaying to
the music and bouncing slightly when holding
little ones. We respond enthusiastically,
carefully speaking the Creed or the Our Father
into our child’s ear so he can hear every
important word. We show reverence during the
Consecration with a bow of our heads. In essence,
we not only attend the Mass, we participate in it,
through active worship, bringing up the gifts or
serving as Eucharistic ministers. When they are of
age, our boys will serve on the altar. All of this
moves our family from spectator at Mass to active
participant. This greatly reduces the likelihood
of boredom.
When Behavior Problems In
Church Brings You To Your Knees
Now, by this point, you may be thinking, "Lady,
you just don’t know my kids!" If you’re under the
assumption that we have four perfect little angels
at Mass, let me assure you, that’s not at all the
case. We have our fair share of fussy infants,
whining toddlers and distracted grade school-age
children. We’ve had to make plenty of quick exits
down church aisles, and have paced endlessly back
and forth across the back of the building to sooth
someone to sleep. But despite these minor upsets,
progress is always there. Children are fast
learners. The key is consistency.
You have to be committed to taking a child out at
the first moment he creates a disturbance. Do not
let a child carry on and on. It’s not fair to the
others around you. It also adds to the stress of
both you and your child. Sometimes walking to the
back of the church and remaining there is enough
to settle a youngster. You have a little more
freedom to rock and pace there as you see fit.
Where possible, I may silently point to stained
glass windows, stations of the cross or religious
statues to pacify a tot.
If the child is not quieted in the back of the
church, promptly exit. The focus here, however,
must be to settle your child as quickly as
possible in order to rejoin the worshipping
community. This is not a time for the child to be
given freedom to run around or to play. The child
should be held lovingly but firmly until the tears
are over. Once this is achieved, return to your
seat. If another eruption occurs, repeat the
process. Even if you have to do this exercise
three or four times during the Mass, the behavior
will not last for long – if you hold to your to
guns and don’t give in. During this transitional
time, sit toward the back of church so you
distract fewer people and can reach the exit
quickly.
The Cry Room: A Sadly
Misunderstood Facility
The "cry room" seems to be a uniquely Catholic
phenomenon. There is much controversy over this
facility. Some people are sick and tired of Mass
being interrupted by the emotional outbursts of
small children. They’re more than happy to have
these noisy culprits "under glass." Others contend
that children have a right to be in church and are
insulted to use the cry room at all.
From what I’ve observed in various parishes, the
cry room seems to be misunderstood and misused by
many parishioners. Instead of serving as a
temporary place to settle a child without
distracting the congregation, it has become a
playroom, a reading room and a convenient
hang-out. I’ve seen some people treat this room as
if they were at home, watching Mass on television.
Many seem to forget that they are still attending
Mass. If the adults are disconnected, their
children are certainly isolated from what’s going
on in church and are not being encouraged in any
way to be a part of it.
To work most effectively, the cry room should only
be used when absolutely necessary. It should be
devoid of books, toys and food. Parents should
hold their children at all times and return to
Mass as soon as the child is quieted. People using
this facility should be listening to and
participating in the liturgy as if they were
sitting in the pews. Be advised: excessive use of
the cry room delays the process of teaching a
child to behave at Mass.
When Mass Is Over, The
Learning Doesn’t Have To Be
After Mass, we make it a point to compliment our
children on good choices they made during church.
If there was a problem with a child old enough to
know better, we have him apologize to the people
near us or to the priest for being distracting.
This is done without a lot of fanfare to avoid
humiliation but also to instill accountability.
On the drive home, we discuss what happened at
Mass. How did God speak to us today? Did we learn
something new? Was there something we didn’t
understand? We talk about our own choices in
church and how that may have affected those around
us. Moreover, this is a good time to discuss
things that distracted us during Mass and to
reinforce why we have the rules we do.
Better Behavior And
Beyond
One way or another, children must learn how to
behave appropriately in a church environment. Our
commitment to teaching this to our children from
their infancy has enabled us to worship together
as a family. We don’t have to "split shift" and go
to separate Masses, leaving the little ones at
home. We have elected not to send our children to
children’s liturgy, since we are making the effort
ourselves to explain things to them at their
level. For us, it’s important to be together as a
family and benefit from the graces we receive at
Mass.
It’s never too late to try new strategies with
your children for a better outcome at church. To
be fair to those old enough to understand, you
need to discuss ahead of time the new rules that
are going to be in place, why they are going to be
enforced and what the consequences are if these
rules are not abided by. I can’t say it enough: be
consistent!
For those who are single parents, I’ll be the
first to admit that your job is harder. I’ve
attended a number of Masses with my four boys when
my husband was out of town. I take my two littlest
ones to daily Mass routinely during the school
year. There’s no question that with one adult,
it’s harder -- harder, but doable. It requires the
same love and consistency and perhaps an extra
dose of patience.
When people give us positive feedback about our
children’s behavior at church, it is most
rewarding and helps us to get through those
moments that are somewhat less positive. Our goal
for our children, however, goes beyond teaching
them to behave appropriately at Mass. We want them
to develop a joyful appreciation of it. We want
them to be able – and eager – to listen for the
unique message God may be giving them in word,
song or prayer. And that cannot come from anything
short of attendance and participation in Mass on a
regular basis. We never cease to be amazed at what
our children – even the little ones -- grasp from
their church experience. Their theology may be a
little askew at times, but the spark of interest
and enthusiasm is there.
Three weeks after a seminarian gave a homily at
our parish, my ten-year-old off-handedly commented
that something the young man said inspired him to
think about the idea of becoming a priest one day.
I’m not sure exactly which words of wisdom hit the
mark, but I’m sure glad my son was at church and
behaving appropriately to hear it.
Published in America, May 6, 2002
Elizabeth Ficocelli
is a Catholic author who writes for children and
adults.
For more information, visit
www.elizabethficocelli.com
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